Happy Birthday to Me!

It's my birthday and I turned, well, old. Ok, not that old but old enough to feel old. I'm 29 and I feel 50, my brother in law said I look 80 and my dad thinks I'm 14.

So as a present to myself I'm going to apply to be on Extreme Makeover. Yes, that show where they plastic surgery you to death in front of millions of people. I know it sounds crazy but it's my last resort of getting something I've wanted for a long time.

I live with my parents, I have no money or insurance, I don't go out, I don't date, I hate the way I look. I am missing the majority of my teeth, no matter how much weight I lose my boobs are always huge they hurt my back and I can't exercise so now I'm slightly overweight and my stomach is flabbly along with the rest of me. Plus I have the flattest ass god ever put on this earth, I swear it's flat even for a white girl. If they can only fix just one thing I would choose my teeth. I've tried dentures and they don't work. I can't stand them, they gag me til I vomit, and I can't eat with them. I heard about dental implants a while back and figured that's the best way to go. I don't know if they will do that but I have to try.

My problem is that I can't figure out what to say for my video. I have 3 minutes, in those three minutes I have to get their attention, be happy, tell them my life story and show them what I want fixed. I'm no good at speaking. I can't stand to hear myself talk and have to suffer through my thick midwestern redneck accent, I hate the way my mouth moves when I speak so I don't look in the mirror much, I don't smile, I cover my mouth when I laugh and I definately don't look at myself when I'm eating. If I happen to catch a glimpse of myself with my mouth open and my gums showing I am filled with horror and disgust.

What a great birthday this turned out to be. I had a tiny cake, got a card from my grandmother and a bunch of ecards from places I subscribe to.
According to E! online the following celebrities share my birthday:

Aaron Neville 1941 New Orleans, LA
John Belushi 1949 Chicago, IL
Mary Lou Retton 1968 Fairmount, WV
Matthew Lillard 1970 Lansing, Michigan
Mischa Barton 1986 London, England
Nastassja Kinski 1960 Berlin, Germany
Neil Diamond 1941 New York, NY
Sharon Tate 1943 Dallas, Texas
Tatyana Ali 1979 Long Island, New York
Warren Zevon 1947 Chicago, Illinois

Time to go off and celebrate what's left of my birthday by sleeping. I have to take mom to the shrink tomorrow and eat at the olive garden so the waiters will sing to me! yiiippeeee!!!!

What It's Like to Go Off the Deep End

My mother has been extremely upset lately. Any way I describe how she's been wouldn't do it justice but trust me, it's bad. Not like "I'm gonna kill myself or knock over a 7-11" bad but bad.

Here's what happened: My cousin(her nephew)is getting a divorce. He beat the crap out of his wife and she had him arrested and took out a restraining order against him. He is not allowed any direct contatct with her. Notice I said "direct" meaning somebody else can contact her on his behalf. He has been coming over every friggin' day asking my mom to talk to her. She has a wide variety of medical problems and cannot have alot of stress in her life. So whenever my cousin comes over and spills his guts it gets to her. He has three kids that she loves and is afraid of never seeing them again. She has tried and tried to get them back together to no avail and has been losing sleep over it. At 4am this morning she woke up with a nose bleed from the stress.

That's problem number one, here's problem number 2:

My other cousin,her niece, has been lying her ass off about where she's been and what she's doing. This weekend for example she was supposed to be with her friends but she was with three boys who are much older than her and they were smoking the ganja and god know what else they were doing. We took her to the health department for drug testing. She tested postitive for marijuana and opiates. The opiates were from the Codene she was taking for her bad tooth, she won't own up to where the pot came from so we just assumed she was smoking it over the weekend. So she had a little talk with her niece about all this and her niece just started trash talking everything under the sun and wouldn't let anyone get a word in. And that's when my mom blew up and yelled at her til she was blue in the face. It was like talking to a brick wall.

Mom decided it was best if she didn't see anyone for a while because all she can do when they are around is cry and yell and shout and cry and wonder what the hell happened.

Of course why is this any of her problem? Well, she helped raise both of them and she feels responsible for them. She has lost so much in the past few years she can't take much more.

She's calm for now but I don't know how long that's gonna last. That's what worries me. I'm always the one who has to pick her up when she falls apart. Everyone else is doing their own thing. I don't have a job so I'm the only one around all the time.
No wonder I sleep so much and stay up so late. I have a feeling she's gonna start doing the same.

I wanna go back to nursing school!

This is one of the reasons I get so frustrated sometimes. I watch tv, I watch ER, I know more than they do(like that's so difficult but still), when I had my surgeries I was telling the nurses what to do and THEY WERE LISTENING!! I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT! LISTENING TO ME! A NOBODY WHO'S ABOUT TO GO UNDER THE KNIFE! Yet they knew I knew my stuff. (or maybe they were just humoring me, I can't decide. I could be wrong but maybe I'm not but then again, ok, i'll shut up now) I can't get the money together to pay off my old college debt, enroll in college again, pay my tuition and books and get on with my god damn life as a nurse. It's all I've ever wanted since I was a kid. Well, that and to be a gymnast and world class figure skater but one out of three ain't bad is it? My mom is a nurse, her mom was a nurse, my dad's mom is/was a nurse, I got nurses coming out of my ears but not me, God is holding me back and I've tried everything to move forward. I've tried finding a job, saving money, doing everything humanly possible yet I can't get up the gumption or the funds to make that one thing in my life I want so bad a reality. My grandmother on my dad's side even said she would help with the cost as soon as I went back but I have to pay off the stupid original debt first and I just can't find a way to make that happen. And to top it all off there is a growing nursing shortage in this country so I know one more nurse in this world would be more than welcome and I know I would be damn good at it. Every time I think of this I just wanna be like Paul Sheldon in Misery and type fuckfuckfuck over and over again. Im trapped in a mobius strip of a life and it's so frustrating. Did I say that already? Well, then I really am frustrated. I hate saying things twice and being redundant. It's annoying.
oh lord how long am I to bear with me?

I need some sleep.

How to be Gas Lighted by your surgeon.

March last year I had surgery for my pelvic pain which had be going on for almost a year and landed me in the emergency room. The doctor was busy that day so he told my mother whilst I was still unconcious that the source of my pain was the fact that I had a cyst on my left ovary, the ovary and tubed were twisted and stuck to the front of my uterus.

I had went to five doctors including the ER guy and him, had two trans-vag ultrasounds,countless pelvic exams(one said I had an enlarged uterus), a regular ultrasound and I don't know how many times I peed in a cup to convince these people that if I hadn't had a positive pregnancy test by now I am either a) not pregnant b) using someone else's urine or c) giving birth to a water buffalo.

And don't get me started on the birth control pills, depo shots and lupron shots and pills that start your period after everything's been fucked up by the pills and shots.

OK when I got to my first post op check up my surgeon wasn't there. He was sick and had to go home. First of all, don't whine to be about the damn sniffles after I've just been carved up like a thanksgiving turkey 'cause I got no sympathy at this point and second don't drop me as a patient when it's time for my second checkup.
But I digress. Nikki, the surgeon's capable asisstant(ok i can't spell, shoot me),showed me the results of my surgery complete with pics and how I became my own discovery channel special and none of the above was mentioned. It wasn't in the pictures, not in his surgery records, nowhere, nada, zip. And to top it all off I'm still in pain after a week when they said I should be back on my feet in two days. Oh, and while I was home recovering my sutures ruptured and I was bleeding like a stuck pig for a while(I have the stained clothing and bed sheets to prove it) and he wouldn't let anyone put anything more than a glorified band aid on it. Thank god my mom is a nurse.

When it was time for my second checkup he had dropped me as a patient because i was a minute and a half late trying to arrange to pay my $5,000 bill. (they charged me for my slippy socks! WTF?! It's on my bill: $5.00 for slippy socks! I can get 'em at Wal Mart cheaper.) SO I never got to ask him a damned thing about any of this and i think he diconnected his phone because I can never seem to get ahold of him. I mean, if he was like that Dr. House guy I would understand. I love that show, that guy knows what he's doing, he's a little (ok, alot) unorthadox BUT at least at the end of the day his patients are cured and can go home. Too bad he's fictional because he needs to get his ass to my hometown and cure me because I'm still in pain and my doctor won't speak to me. IT'S FUN TO BE ME!! YIPPPIE! I'M ALL SMILES HERE, I'M GONNA THROW A PARTY! Where's the tylenol and thermacare?

Something to ponder.

I recently read an article where some myth and fokelore expert was defending fanfiction. He said that it was the same as the stories people would tell about Paul Bunyon or some other fictional character. The person telling the story didn't create the character but they used them in a story and the stories survived to this day thereby making fanfiction, in a way, an actual form of writing and not just some way for a nutjob with a computer to mess with other people's characters. AND if someone steals a fanfiction or an idea from a fanfiction they can be sued by the author. Weird, huh?

I'm still stuck on the star trek thing so the person who is helping me write it has agreed to write the next chapter. (yey for me! I'm off the hook! haha) I did accidentally stumble upon an old original story I was writing whilst going through my old notebooks so I think I might develop it some more to help cure the writer's block. Or maybe I'll take another bath using the bath products I got from my sis for christmas then eat some fudge.

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