Happy Birthday to Me!

It's my birthday and I turned, well, old. Ok, not that old but old enough to feel old. I'm 29 and I feel 50, my brother in law said I look 80 and my dad thinks I'm 14.

So as a present to myself I'm going to apply to be on Extreme Makeover. Yes, that show where they plastic surgery you to death in front of millions of people. I know it sounds crazy but it's my last resort of getting something I've wanted for a long time.

I live with my parents, I have no money or insurance, I don't go out, I don't date, I hate the way I look. I am missing the majority of my teeth, no matter how much weight I lose my boobs are always huge they hurt my back and I can't exercise so now I'm slightly overweight and my stomach is flabbly along with the rest of me. Plus I have the flattest ass god ever put on this earth, I swear it's flat even for a white girl. If they can only fix just one thing I would choose my teeth. I've tried dentures and they don't work. I can't stand them, they gag me til I vomit, and I can't eat with them. I heard about dental implants a while back and figured that's the best way to go. I don't know if they will do that but I have to try.

My problem is that I can't figure out what to say for my video. I have 3 minutes, in those three minutes I have to get their attention, be happy, tell them my life story and show them what I want fixed. I'm no good at speaking. I can't stand to hear myself talk and have to suffer through my thick midwestern redneck accent, I hate the way my mouth moves when I speak so I don't look in the mirror much, I don't smile, I cover my mouth when I laugh and I definately don't look at myself when I'm eating. If I happen to catch a glimpse of myself with my mouth open and my gums showing I am filled with horror and disgust.

What a great birthday this turned out to be. I had a tiny cake, got a card from my grandmother and a bunch of ecards from places I subscribe to.
According to E! online the following celebrities share my birthday:

Aaron Neville 1941 New Orleans, LA
John Belushi 1949 Chicago, IL
Mary Lou Retton 1968 Fairmount, WV
Matthew Lillard 1970 Lansing, Michigan
Mischa Barton 1986 London, England
Nastassja Kinski 1960 Berlin, Germany
Neil Diamond 1941 New York, NY
Sharon Tate 1943 Dallas, Texas
Tatyana Ali 1979 Long Island, New York
Warren Zevon 1947 Chicago, Illinois

Time to go off and celebrate what's left of my birthday by sleeping. I have to take mom to the shrink tomorrow and eat at the olive garden so the waiters will sing to me! yiiippeeee!!!!